How to have tricky conversations

Did you know that the average Brit spends five months of their life talking about the weather?

Here in the UK, we’ve got a bit of a reputation for preferring small talk to serious discussions. And there are lots of reasons why – for example, we’re afraid of being considered rude or we simply want to be liked.

Being involved in guiding can sometimes mean we need to have tricky conversations, but they can be incredibly important, says leadership coach Rosalie Puiman: ‘It took me ages to realise that by avoiding difficult conversations, I wasn’t only selling myself short but also withholding valuable information from others – information that might give them the chance to apologise, clarify something or improve their performance.’

So how can we get through a difficult discussion without fi nding ourselves talking about the rain again?

Bite the bullet

When something feels like it’s going to be hard, our instinct is often to put it off. There will be about a million things we’d rather be doing than having an awkward chat. It’s far better to pretend everything’s fine, isn’t it?

Not always, says Rosalie: ‘There’s this saying: “If you don’t say it, you’ll show it.” People pick up on unexpressed feelings or opinions surprisingly well. And when they do, their view of you could change without you being able to influence it.’

It’s important to take control of the situation yourself: the sooner you have the conversation, the sooner you can clear up any misunderstanding. And it’s often much easier than you might think.

Keep an open mind

You’ve set the date, chosen a suitable location, made sure there’s plenty of time to talk and now you’re probably rehearsing your lines in the mirror.

However, according to Rosalie there is such a thing as being too prepared. Do have a clear objective for the conversation, and an idea of what you want to achieve and what you might say, but the key is to maintain a mindset of inquiry. ‘The very first thing to do is to give up on the belief that you are the only one who’s right!’ Rosalie advises. 

Instead, be prepared to ask questions and try to understand the other person’s point of view. 

Speak and listen carefully 

So you’re ready to listen. But how to make it clear your heart’s in it?

‘Active listening’ is a technique that requires you to concentrate on, understand and remember what’s said, then respond using what you’ve learned.

The other person should feel heard and a big part of that is down to body language: smiling, making eye contact and keeping an open, engaged posture are all important.

For Rosalie, it’s all about being mindful: ‘Be present and give your whole, undivided attention to the conversation.’ When it’s your turn to speak, choose your words carefully: short, simple and relevant. And try to avoid pointing your finger, as it can make the other person feel accused.’